A Shinigami Party
by mimma
Summary: The captains decide that a party would be just the thing to raise morale. Tell that to the poor saps looking for dates. Somewhat crack, WIP. Some swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Party

Part 1

After the Aizen disaster, the captains of the gotei-13 decided that there was need for more cohesion within at least the upper seated shinigami, to set an example. Perhaps if those men had been known better, they would not have sworn themselves to the destruction of Seireitei.

Kenpachi suggested a tournament. This was met with almost universal disapproval, mostly because it was an almost universal opinion that only _he_ would suggest _that_ after _this_.

Mayuri said that they should send all the shinigami to the 12th to be test sub- er, upgraded. _This_ was greeted with several very bad mental images, an abundance of 'hell no' looks, and a muttered "Stupid old geezer."

Temporary 5th division captain Hinamori Momo timidly ventured that they could um, have a party, maybe? Just for the upper seated shinigami, like the 5th seats up?

Every single captain swung their heads around to stare at the tiny little girl sitting next to Hitsugaya-taichou with her hand partially raised.

That…wasn't such a bad idea, said Yamamoto-soutaichou. Hinamori blushed.

Soi Fong concurred. It would not be _too_ annoying. (anything was better than Mayuri's 'upgrades', or the sudden betrayal of her imagination at the word, 'telematch'.)

We can make it couples! had exclaimed Shunsui, beginning to blabber on about morale.

Mayuri drew breath to shout that it was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard, but then looked at the specter of green-eyed death holding Hinamori's hand from where he'd brought it down. No one was ever going to have enough scientific curiosity to risk insulting his precious girlfriend in front of Hitsugaya-taichou, who was not so pint-sized anymore and very, very easily annoyed.

Besides, Mayuri could always have test subjects with the drinks.

.0.

a sake party. That man- that _man _was going to throw a damn _sake party_ and invite the first to fifth seats of _every_ _single division_.

All Kyouraku-taichou would say was that, _Yama-jii thinks it'll be good for morale._

Nanao simply thought it would be bad for everyone's liver.

.0.

"A party, Hitsugaya-taichou?" inquired Matsumoto.

Her captain shrugged. "It was Hinamori's idea and everyone else just ran with it."

"Ohh," she purred, never one to pass up a good taichou-torture session. "Then was it also her idea to have dates? Ne, taichou, maybe she's throwing you a hint, huh?"

Hitsugaya colored. "That was just Kyouraku's contribution," he muttered.

Matsumoto took pity. "She'd probably go with you, if you asked."

He pinked even more. "You think…?"

Matsumoto grinned evilly. "You just have to ask her."

He slumped onto his desk. "Ah, the catch."

How the hell was he supposed to ask her?

.0.

the (relevant) members of the 11th were not so disappointed about the lack of fighting as would have been expected, since Shunsui had volunteered to do the party and thus there would lots of free food and alcohol, which was an acceptable substitute.

Yachiru had bullied several members of the 11th to bring her shopping in Rukongai for clothes (she'd reached _that_ age, the age of the prissy little pink girl) and candy (but not yet out of the candy age, given that it was Yachiru, she probably never would), and Yumichika had gone with her.

The other two were engaged in internal brawls. (What, you think Ikkaku and Kenpachi _debate_? Not in this lifetime, I assure you.)

Kenpachi was thinking about how to ask the woman he had in mind. He didn't _think_ she would refuse him, and if anyone else even so much as tried asking her they'd be looking for their heads on the ground. But it was probably better to ask her first. She'd get upset if he had to kill a lot of idiots in front of her.

The only thing _there_ was a question of how.

Ikkaku was having a no-holds-barred match between his common sense and the immensely hardy part of the brain that dealt with hope.

On one hand, she could refuse him, saying she was very sorry, but she liked someone else, but on the other, she could accept, but be barred from going with him (or at all) by her asshole father.

On an entirely different body altogether, she might not even know he existed besides being the 3rd seat of the 11th.

Ikkaku smashed his head against a nearby stone wall. His captain, on his way out, decided not comment.

Such thoughts would _not _make it any easier to ask Kurotsuchi Nemu to be his date to the party.

.0.

Rukia inhaled, then choked on her mouthful of water.

She fell to the ground, coughing like crazy and dribbling a thin stream of water out her nose.

Renji hit her on the back a few times. He figured it was more than she deserved, because even after she'd practically hacked up a lung, she was _still- bloody- laughing-_.

"It's. Not. _Fucking. **Funny.**_" He ground out for the fifth time.

"Yes it is!" she gasped out, still giggling like a loon.

"The idea of you- _you!_- agonizing over asking a date to the party- the idea of you having a date at _all_…" at a loss for words, she sank down onto the grass shaking with mirth.

Renji twitched. If he'd known she was going to be like this, he wouldn't have asked her. She'd just been the first person he'd thought of.

"Look," he snarled. "It's a simple question. Yes or no?"

Rukia snorted. "Duh."

"Duh what? Gimme a straight answer!"

"_Yes_, you idiot."

Renji brightened. "You're sure?"

"You're deaf? Of course I'm sure."

"Great!" called Renji, already running away. "Thanks!"

Rukia chuckled to her self.

He was _such_ an idiot.

But a cute one.

-tbc-

There is a cookie in for anyone who figures out all five couples before the next chapter, which is going to give it all away. Clue: 4 het, 1 slash.


	2. Chapter 2

Party

Part 2

The shinigami of the 4th division were all quite paralyzed in fear.

Zaraki Kenpachi was stalking through the halls of the 4th division living quarters, apparently going in circles and muttering to himself.

Koetsu Isane gulped. She was the vice-captain, and thus had a duty to be braver than the others. Or at least to appear so. She was also sworn to protect her men… er, people. Or at least find out why Zaraki-taichou was glaring bloody death at every male that passed him.

…actually now that she thought about it, she had a pretty good idea. But Isane wanted to be sure.

She called up her inner Unohana. _I am too important and scary to kill._

"Zaraki-taichou," she called as he neared the spot she was standing, "Please refrain from emitting your reiatsu in the 4th division." She dropped her voice to a whisper as he passed her. "None of these men are here to ask Unohana-taichou to the party."

Zaraki stopped and _glared_ at her. Since he was also wearing an embarrassed grimace on his face below the glare, it did not have it's usual effect. (This ranged from the other laughing in his face (Yachiru) to the other running like hell (most of the rest of Seireitei).)

"You'd better ask her quickly, though," she advised him. Kenpachi twitched. "Don't worry, taichou, I don't _think_ she'll refuse you."  
He twitched _again_, then set off at a dead run. Isane waited until he had passed her for the third time to point a helpful hand in the direction of the stairs.

Then she went off to find Kiyone. Her sister had one of the biggest mouths this side of Seireitei and this piece of news was _far _too good to keep for herself.

.0.

Rukia was still laughing to herself, drawing meaningful looks from pretty much everyone else in the building with her. (Meaning: _that Kuchiki girl has finally snapped. Huh. Knew it was going to happen someday_. The 13th had evolved some very meaningful looks for the times their captain required silence.)

Honestly, Renji was so- so- so _Renji_ sometimes. Why fuss over asking someone to a party they were required to attend?

And anyway, if Renji thought there was even a possibility of refusal, then he must have contracted some form of selective amnesia in between not waking up in his own bed this morning and asking her.

If Nii-sama was going to refuse Renji, then nii-sama would probably have done it _before_ the month or so of sleeping together that Nii-sama and Renji had been doing so far.

Renji had turned a deep red strawberry color when she informed him of that, dumb baboon.

Ah, well. She could think about that later. Now she had to instruct Kiyone and Sentaro in the usage of her (Ichigo's) camera.

She would _definitely_ want pictures of the party.

.0.

"…What is this?"

"Err…Kyouraku-taichou's order, Ise-fukutaichou."

Nanao meaningfully eyed the stacks of bottles in Shunsui's room, then the large crates still waiting to be unpacked.

"…Kyouraku-taichou ordered you to place the sake for the party in his room?"

"Err…not precisely, Ise-fukutaichou."

Nanao swung towards him, and the burly deliveryman was stuck by the desire to run away as fast as he could from the skinny girl a third his size.

"Precisely?"

He held out a piece of official-looking paper as though it would protect him from the evil gleam of her glasses.

"This was his order, Ise-fukutaichou."

She took it. "So…first you were to place it in the cellars, right?"

"Full."

"Then the storage rooms…"

"Full."

"Then barrack 13…"

"Full."

"Then Kyouraku-taichou's room."

"Err… in the process, Ise-fukutaichou, but there may not be enough room-"

"Then the next place listed is my room." Evil-glasses gleam.

"On-second-thought-i-think-we-will-be-able-to-fit-it-all-in-here-and-not-inconvience-you-at-all." He said very fast.

She smiled. That is to say, her eyes closed and the corners of her mouth tilted up.

The deliveryman quivered.

"Very well. Carry on, then. Oh, and please ignore any loud noises or screams of pain from the main building. Kyouraku-taichou and I are going to have a talk about his use of 8th division facilities."

He stood perfectly to attention until she left.

Damn, that was one scary woman. What the hell did Kyouraku-taichou see in her?

Praying under his breath for Kyouraku-taichou's health (and, thus, continued patronage), he got back to work. Filling a room with sake bottles was an art, after all.

.0,

"Absolutely not."

Ikkaku's fist clenched. Asshole.

"I just want to speak to Nemu, Kurotsuchi-taichou."

Mayuri gave him a suspicious look. The effect was somewhat marred by the fact that he was talking through a long, long tube from his lab, but the added virulence of 'girl's father' and his detachable eye combined to make it an actual look.

"I don't want any of you thugs from the 11th speaking to my daughter. Come to that, I don't want any of you thugs from the 11th speaking at all. Go away. I'm dissecting and Nemu is having a shower. And I will most certainly _not_ tell her you called.'

Ikkaku suppressed the urge to grab the eye and start pulling, because he didn't need to risk Nemu actually liking her creator, then getting upset if he killed the clown. Stranger things had happened, although not by much.

Alright then, if he wasn't going to be allowed to speak to her, he have to find some other way of asking her out. Besides… who the hell needed that asshole's permission anyway?

_The guy trying to date his daughter, that's who_, said his brain. Ikkaku very firmly ignored it.

.0.

Hitsugaya Toushirou was _not_ a happy camper.

He was waiting outside Hinamori's office. That was fine. That was perfectly fine. He had no problems whatsoever with waiting while she finished a practical application of a demon arts spell she'd created. In fact he couldn't wait to go in there and marvel at it once she'd finished.

What Hitsugaya _was_ rather annoyed about was the blond temporary captain also waiting outside her office with him.

Kira was nervous.

When Kira got nervous, Kira babbled. It was one of Gin's favorite entertainments.

Kira really didn't know what to say to Hitsugaya-taichou, except maybe umm… that you've really grown, sir, you must at least be taller than I am now, and- and- I supposed you've got something to talk to Hinamori-kun about too, right, sir? I've sorta got an important question to ask her too, y'know, I've been thinking about it for a long time and I think I'm ready to ask her now…

Hitsugaya interrupted. "You have a what?"

Kira was surprised that Hitsugaya-taichou had actually been listening. "A very important question to ask her, sir."

With difficulty, Hitsugaya banished the urge to kill Kira.

"I…really don't think you should ask her that, Kira."

Kira blinked. "You…don't, sir?"

"No. you're not ready."

"Really, sir?"

Kira slowly deflated.

"Not strong enough."

Kira sniffed.

"Not enough control."

Kira made a barely audible whimpering sound.

"Nowhere near ready, in my opinion."

Kira began to silently cry.

Hinamori called, "Come in!"

Hitsugaya stood and sauntered in, secure in the knowlegde that there was no way Kira would ask her to the party now.

Outside, Kira sank into his customary fit of depression. Hitsugaya-taichou was right, of course, he wasn't sniff strong enough sniff or had enough control sniff.

He'd just have to put off asking Hinamori-kun to recommend him a captain to teach him bankai for a while, then.

-tbc-

Notes: No one got it. cries. But thank you if you guessed.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I apologize for the long wait… I went to China without my comp and before that was finals so…. Yeah.

Second to last chapter, the next one is the party.

.0.

Nanao's glasses flashed. Shunsui laughed weakly.

"Kyouraku-taichou," she gritted her teeth. Shunsui lifted both his hands in a gesture of surrender… or as a shield. It was difficult to tell.

"_Why_ have you filled your _entire _room with _sake bottles_, Kyouraku-taichou?"

"Your every harsh word is like a dagger to my heart, Nanao-chan!" he wailed. Nanao took the plastic dagger away from him and hit him on cheek with it. (She couldn't reach his head.)

"Nanao-chan!"

"No, you may not stay in my room until the date of the party."

"Nanao-chan, you wound me! I wasn't thinking that! Hoping it, of course, because I know my Nanao-chan is good and kind and sweet really deep down and- OW! Nanao-chan, so meeeaan!"

"…I will arrange a room for you in the barracks, sir. Until the party, this is the best I can do. Until then, you are _not_ to drink all this sake, understand?"

"Ah, my Nanao-chan, so suspicious! Of course I won't drink it _all_, it's for the party!"

"There is _no way_ sixty-odd people are going to be able to finish all the sake in the barracks, _and_ the cellars, _and_ the storage rooms, _and _your room. Even if one of them is you."

"No, of course not! Some of them will be Kenpachi-kun, and Soifong, and Ran-chan, and Yama-ji, oh, and some of those nice young men you're friends with will be there!"

"…we might need more sake."

"Ah… my Nanao-chan is sooo smart! You'll be drinking too, of course."

"…perhaps, Kyouraku-taichou."

"Nanao-chan will be drinking with me, yes?"

"…alright."

"I think Nanao-chan should wear her lavender kimono with her hair down. Don't you think you'll look lovely like that, Nanao-chan?"

"I… I think you shouldn't drink so much then, sir, if you expect me to go with you."

Shunsui smiled, dancing eyes over unusually soft smile directed at her. "Nanao-chan will be so beautiful."

"Very well, sir," and her blush was pink against the paleness of her skin.

.0.

Unohana noted the peculiar (or not, given…recent events) cadence of steps slamming into the polished wood floors (and, right on cue, a large person slipping on said polished wood floors and colliding with a wall, because this was the equivalent of a hospital and even the floors gleamed).

Zaraki Kenpachi entered, muttering under his breath about 'bloody pansy-ass daily waxings', which was interesting, since she knew for a fact that the 11th was shining every day. (He later explained this to her as training. Or, more accurately, as she understood it, 'can't have the men lying around like pampered brats who're afraid of a hard day's work' (how he'd actually put it was not something fit for regular thought).)

"Oi, Retsu.'

She put down her pen. "Yes, Kenpachi?"

"uh… y'know that party t' old guy says we all gotta go to?"

"Yes," she said, feeling somewhat nonplussed.

"Well…" he moved so that he loomed over her, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Since there was something very manly and Kenpachi about the looming (and adorable about the eyes-on-the-ceiling), she didn't mind. (You could speak all you liked about the age of feminism and the place of women in the world, but Unohana knew that her place right now came with a very enjoyable perk of having a thug boyfriend. It was fun, and more people should try it. Not, however, with _her _thug.)

"…you're going with me, right?"

She blinked, once, twice. Then smiled, a tiny bit delighted and amused with just how _Kenpachi_ it was for him to ask her that way.

"yes," she told him.

He grunted, all embarrassed and happy around the edges of his tough-guy face. "Yeah," he muttered. "O' course yer coming with me… Not like any of the other weaklings would dare ask ya… At least none who'd _live_…"

Unohana was reminded again, why, despite prejudices and differing lifestyle views and all, she stuck with the 11th division captain. He was so…him. And she loved him just the way he was.

His large hand dropped again on the small of her back. "Oi, Retsu," he rumbled, with a wicked edge to his grin. "It's a _sake_ party, y'know…"

"Yes," she said warily. You could never be sure what that grin meant. Iemura-kun and Isane-kun were so traumatized after the last one. "Shunsui is organizing it. Ise-san is probably throwing a fit."

"Just so ya know," he told her conversationally, "I'm gonna get ya dead drunk and do all sorta stuff to ya while yer too helpless to resist."

She was fairly certain that the statement should _not_ have made her begin to giggle uncontrollably. "How?" she asked after she'd finished, looking at Kenpachi's dancing eye.

"Ya'll see," he informed her, letting himself out of her office.

She almost laughed again, thinking to herself that life was really so much more _fun_ with Kenpachi around, and she really couldn't remember what it was like before.

.0.

"Taichou?"

Byakuya looked up from where he was technically doing paperwork. "Yes, Renji?"

"Um… ya know the party, Taichou?"

a single perfect eyebrow raised. "It would be somewhat difficult not to, Renji, since I understand that the seated shinigami have talked of nothing else for the past week."

"Yeah. Um, well… I was sorta thinking…will ya go with me?"

"…I beg your pardon?" (Kuchiki Byakuya does not say 'what'. Not even in private.)

Renji began destroying the hem of his sleeve. "I was thinking we could sorta go together, 'cause we sorta _are_ together, and… I sound really stupid, so I'll just go now…"

A wooden paperweight hit Renji on the back of his retreating head.

"…ow. Taichou?"

"You will appear at the Kuchiki estate before the event," said Byakuya, "And I will dress you accordingly. I refuse to go with you in what you call your dressy clothes."

"Oi…" said Renji, mouth crooking into a grin and noting the faint shadow of a smile on Byakuya's lips (which was the same as a real smile from anyone else) "What's wrong with my clothes?"

There was a definite humor in Kuchiki-taichou's voice when he said, "Everything would just about cover it."

_I_, Renji thought, _am dating my prissy, uptight girl of a captain. There is probably something very wrong about this_.

But really, with the prospect of sake, Kuchiki-taichou, and more to come, Renji couldn't bring himself to care.

.0.

"Hello, Hitsugaya-kun," said Hinamori cheerfully. "How are you today?"

"Fine," he said shortly, dropping into the chair across her desk. Bloody hell, he had no idea how he would do this…damn Matsumoto.

Hinamori stapled together some sheets of paper and laid them aside. "What did you come to see me for, Hitsugaya-kun?"

He looked at her. Then he looked at the desk. Then he grabbed a piece of scratch paper and scribbled on it before thudding his head face down on her desk and thrusting the paper towards her.

She stared, nonplussed. "Hitsugaya-kun?"

He flapped the paper at her. He didn't trust himself to either look at or speak to her without making an idiot of himself.

She took it, and read, _Will you go to the party with me?_. She blushed. "Hitsugaya-kun, I don't know what to say!"

_Say yes_, he thought to himself. _Please say yes. Don't say some other guy has asked you unless you're also going to tell me his name and division number and promise to come with me when he gets stuck in the 4th division for the next year._ He still didn't dare look at her.

"I-um- well-" she grabbed the paper and scribbled back.

_Yes_, he read.

He sat up, looked at her face, looked at the note, and blushed just as red as she was. He wrote details on the paper, and passed it back to her.

She tried to write her response and realized she was out of room. She reached for another piece and met Hitsugaya's eyes.

They burst out laughing, the previous tension dissipating.

"I think you will be very cute," he said finally, figuring he couldn't get anymore undignified.

A delighted smile spread across her face, and with laughter sparkling in her eyes and warmth in her face, Hitsugaya thought that she had never been more beautiful.

.0.

Ikkaku couldn't resist letting out a little bark of triumph. Really, did that fucking clown think that acid floors, robotic lasers, and titanium walls were enough to keep _anyone_ out? Being Yachiru's official babysitter and sparring with the captain was harder than this! (Only in the 11th… ;)

He skidded past a few corridors and decapitated a few more robots. Now, what was he going to say to Nemu….

"Ikkaku-kun?"

Crap. "Nemu! Oh- er, hi, um…" he stammered, looking at the vice-captain wrapped in a towel only a few feet away. Obviously, the clown _hadn't_ been lying about his daughter being otherwise occupied.

"Ikkaku-kun, what are you doing here? I don't think my father would have let you in…"

"Um," said Ikkaku, "he didn't. I snuck in. I um, just had to ask you something…"

"Yes?" she said, looking far more composed than most people would have managed, being clad only in a towel and all.

"Spend some time with me at the party," he said, eyes everywhere but her body. "I- I know you can't seriously come with me, like a date and all, but if you slip away after a while then you're just walking around, and that bastard won't get another excuse to hit you."

"Oh," said Nemu. "Oh." She smiled, like it was one of the nicest things anyone had tried to do for her, and Ikkaku cursed the clown because it probably was.

"Yes," she said, still holding her towel tightly. "Yes, thank you, Ikkaku-kun, I would certainly like to spend time with you at the party." And she bowed to him, courteous as though he'd done her a big favor even though what he'd really like to do for her was take her away.

At least this way she could have some fun at the party for a while, until he was strong enough to save her completely.

.0.

-tbc-


End file.
